so i have to be fair and admit that many of my purposes for writing this blog thing are selfish, well probably most of my purposes are selfish–in fact, i’m open to suggestions about any reasons you can think of that this really isn’t a wholly self-involved endeavor. that being said, however, i am coming to some really interesting realizations about myself as i write and read the things that appear in this blog. it seems i write differently for an audience, no matter how imagined or inflated in my mind that audience might be…i try to make more sense, come to some conclusions, be a little more reflective than i might be when only writing for myself. i get extremely stream of consciousness when it’s just little old me, can’t hold a train of thought to save my life, and certainly glad that so far it doesn’t seem to be a requirement i care about when doing my personal journaling.
but should i really want others to follow along with general interest, a modicum of appropriate flow does seem important. so why is this point important right now? because when i review myself i find that i’ve made some really good points that if i would just pay attention to would really go a long way in helping me not to give in to my ultimate demise. case in point–the whole hiberNation theme–clear back in december i actually put it down in black and white that this season didn’t feel like any other, and that my body and spirit both seem to really be calling for a respite. in black and white people, and yet here i am clear into january, new year’s intentions clearly set and moving full steam ahead. aha, but here’s the thing…(i love here’s the thing don’t you? there always seems to be some kind of thing) my only new year’s goal this year was to live a life fully listening to my internal vibration, if you will. to actually pay attention to when my sense of inner self is vibrantly responding to what i am doing or if it is completely disgusted with my current choices.
now i don’t mean this on the grand scale, well yes i do, but i mean it on the petite scale as well. to really start to listen to the little choices that lead to all the moments of my day….do i really like this music, does it open my spirit to connecting to those around me in the way i want to connect right now, how do i want to connect right now, do i want to bring that subject up with him or will it be o.k. to just handle it myself, do i want to go out tonight or is a hot bath just the ticket–these are all questions that play in the most brief of ways through my mind and sometimes i just ignore them, plow right on through with my original plan. writing this out like this makes the plan seem very simple and sort of juvenile, but you try it. go ahead, i dare you to be aware all day long about the tiny choices. the thing i like about doing this is the practice, if i practice just the tiny things, it puts me in the right frame of mind or into the zone to feel it when the really tiny tremors come up to help me pay attention to the important stuff–these are signals i miss all the time unless i am in the practicing zone.
back to the thing–if i am acting on this intention then here’s what i hear right now…this is not the time to move into any kind of full swing. what actually feels really right on a vibrational level is to allow the learning to flow to me, not to check things off lists–just allow the space for the really good stuff to rise to the top of the list and become the thing i am in the middle of doing. my words in december are ringing in my ears…”the soulself understands the nature of a time for… allowing the universe to catch up with intention”. how is it so easy to lose sight of that simple truth for me? does anybody else struggle with this one?
so i’m adding to the epiphany phrases that pop into my brain, the vibrational hints my spirit sends. last week it was let go and let guy,–the whole living in the now thing, but i want to amend that one… how does let go and let dog sound? in the same hibernation blog, i gave myself some inner coaching to Sit and Stay–the same instructions we give our faithful friends when we want them to slow down and take note of something we are trying to teach them, or not to get too excited, or to wait for a damn doggy treat. the dog’s life can provide amazing insight into our human lives if we watch them for a minute. so lama, sit…stay…stay… strange as it may sound or read in this case–the phrase goes a long way towards quieting the errant mind and allowing the much needed respite.
(hmmm, so this posting seems totally stream of consciousness, hope it made sense to anyone else but me; if not, thanks for allowing the rant)