what an absolute shitstorm of emotion and depth-plunging this week has been!!!! just before the new year i attended a little workshop about the phoenix, the idea being to get really clear for the new year about what things i would like to be consumed by the fire of the past to ignite the intentions for the new year. i came away with a great sense of purpose and the beginnings of some great clarity for 2009. there is so much i want to do and be this year and i’m so excited to be in the middle of that.
my excitement got the better of me and the hailstorm of energy i brewed up with all my clear intentions and new year’s goals has ridden over me this week with the force of the mythical twelve horsemen. (i don’t even know that myth, or if it is 12, but the reference sounds perfect here doesn’t it?–feel free to submit the appropriate mythical reference if you know it better than i) my phoenix day of creation took place on the new moon in december, and last night–the night of the world’s hugest full moon–with 2 rainbows encirlcling it, my new year hit it’s biggest bang of new beginning energy–tearing my foundations out by the roots, pulling tears from eyes in torrential floods, sobs from my heart with bone-breaking strength and , quelquefois, stoic stillness that would break the heart of any stone giant.
how does a little lama survive the pain and passion of this creation? one of my godsent and supportive sisters refused to take –“back the fuck-off” for an answer and continued to text me during this storm asking how she could possibly help and support me. i don’t know how i can possibly help myself, how can i move from the old, into the new without completely breaking appart–so i didn’t have any answer for her. however, somewhere from the eye of the storm and within the madness of knowing there had to be a way to get out of the hurricane–i felt a tiny, little answer from within…”it is time to batten down the hatches my darling”. this is not the most comforting of answers i have ever received mind you. i was looking for something along the lines of…”this too shall pass”, “go to such and such address and ask for guru so and so, while balancing on one foot and staring into the wind all your problems will be solved” or “three days more and you will be perfect” these are answers that might make it o.k. for me to batten down my hatches and sit tight during this storm–but just the thought of weathering the storm without the comfort of perfection on the other end did not feel like meat enough for me to sink my teeth into.
yet–something on the inside is responding, warming to the idea, relaxing into the space just a tiny bit. Now the next thing i’m going to say is making me laugh even to think about it–a welcome change of mood certainly–so if a little upcurling sneaks to outer edges of your lips on this one, then indulge with complete abandon…odly–a 1980’S rockin’ superballad comes to mind…”i’m holding out for a hero” … skipping all the obvious and mundane ideas that i am waiting for some superhero to sweep me off my feet and rescue me from the darkness within i offer the following video for indulgence, reference, mood-changing and musical power to change energy when words alone won’t do…
all that being said–here’s today’s bottom line… i was the one who called in all sorts of change of epic proportions, i’m the one who lay down on the symbollic bed when i could clearly see the damn thing was burning out of control, i jumped on the back of the phoenix in an attempt to survive the flames–so batten down the hatches lama–january might singe the wingtips just a bit, but keep it in perspective–would you rather be back in december drowning in poseidon’s flood?
Now playing: Ben E. King – Stand by Me