well it’s almost over, the world’s longest lasting sprint, run-up-to-the-finishline, push through til you get it done, kick my ass month of work that i’ve had in a long time. i’ve just sent off a group of 15 tired, worn-out, hard-working and much-expecting americans, from their first ever humanitarian expedition in brazil. while there is so much to say about all of our experiences here and so many details about them all, this is not the place for that. Rather, this is the place for what i learned about me and the ways things work during this quite challenging experience.
and here’s the thing…i’m happy to be alive, doing what i’m doing, being who i’m being. there are so many nitpicky things i could say about the people i’ve just traveled with (i’m sure they could say things about me as well), or criticisms i could lodge about the work we’ve done and how i wish we could do it better–with improvement each time, or about how my life just isn’t complete, but i just don’t want that to be what i ever say, where my brain ever goes, how my time is ever spent. it seems funny to me to learn this lesson at this time in my life, but while my precious little egoic brain is struggling to do all the things i’ve listed above. my now, well-worn heart and spirit are calmly taking a breather. the 3 of us have all just had the same experience, but the heart and spirit part are just done letting the ego brain take the lead at this point.
i was explaining the concept of the “debrief” to my friend here the other day. this is to sit down after an experience and pick it apart. take apart all the pieces and examine them from every side. i just absolutely love to do this–my brain gets very mentally satisfied to go through all this examination and finally calm itself once all the “debriefing” endorphins have been exhausted. my choice at this moment is to learn that there is not a need for the “debrief” in this way anymore. my brain/ego in charge just absolutely won’t accept that reasoning. it wants, it needs to go through the process to resolve all loose ends and energy that are hanging out there, to compartmentalize, analyze, clearly define all aspects of the experience. but i see now, that this extreme processing does not serve my spirit. my spirit accepts what is, what has been done–loves how everything plays out and moves forward with confidence that all will be well, all is well.
that is my truth right now, as i choose that, behave in accordance with that belief–that is how the flow of energy surrounding me gets flowing on my behalf.
i had a great chat with one young man this week who was all full of bragadoccio and piss and vinegar. through his eyes, he had no need to concern himself with the people or circumstances going on around him because he had enough determination and personal power to muscle through any situation. in my eyes, i see he has an amazing bit of strength, but how much more can he accomplish when he chooses to get the flow of things around him to go in his same direction. i turn this lesson right in on myself, here i am, in this moment…i choose to step into the river that is flowing in my life; embrace fully the opportunities that show up as gifts and challenges–and start paddling with all my might–or floating when the current takes me…
to be right here in the gift of now…
did any of this make sense? it’s all i’ve got for now, just really wanted to take a moment to reflect in a way that didn’t give full charge to my ego:)