two-llamas

Let me say it a second time…are the voices inside worth getting out?

People you should see the pages of writing i have that aren’t ever going to make it to this blog.  i sit down to write, pour some shit out…and it all feels too raw and personal to share here.  i’m not sure how that feels to you.  how vulnerable does just one seeker need to get in public? but that’s the whole idea right?  or else why would i be writing this silly old blog anyway…so here goes my new attempt to share a bit o’ the lama with y’all today:)

Let’s get real,

the two minds of the lama…she who talks the loudest?

i’ve had a lot of people share with me that i speak and write very eloquently…in fact, some have gone so far as to say it’s intimidating.  believe me folks, i don’t share what i write or those ‘compliments’ in an attempt to garner support for the silky stylings of the lama fan club.  mostly i just pour stuff out, but what i am realizing is that the process of writing for me is one of synthesis…it isn’t just stream of consciousness, but more assimilation.  a way for my brain to get up to speed with what has been on runaway for however long and is begging for a look to be taken at it.

Here’s the conflict,
how do i take a look with my heart instead of just making the space for my brain to get involved? i do this review thing, this synthesis or assimilation, and i think it’s part of an elaborate ruse for my ego to settle back into the fiction that it’s in charge.  if my brain gets to wrap itself around all the thoughts and emotions that i am experiencing, then it gets to harness and dictate what choices/actions i will make next.  so there’s the rub…i’m on this hugantic quest to get the fuck out of my ego brain and writing seems to put me right back there. (see if i use the f word here, you can tell i’m really fed up with this bit and while you might be offended you also might get on board and relate with how high my emotional frustration is…good girl ego felt the need to explain that one, brainy ego felt the need to qualify for good girl so she doesn’t seem stupid…well fuck, anyone else want to chime in?)

so what’s the goal…well according to my laughing yogini, there is no goal, there is only now…so that’s what i got for today.